Laws of Pew by Gin_no_Dangan, Point Blank Sniper, Arbitrary, DASGUNDAM, LegendofZeroOne, YzaliaJoule, VeovisX, 7egend, jhtham, suigetsu00, Firefly, soul, AY
Feel free to contribute.
- ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TWOLAWS!!!
This is also being reorganised so if you have any suggestions towards the layout, they would be much appreciated. Currently procrastinating.
August 26th will be celebrated as the day on which the 150th law was reached.
“we are establishing the basic laws of pewpewpew and they will be the standard throughout the universe.
We are aiming for a Nobel Peace Prize with this breakthrough research. I have a feeling that the Laws of Pew will propel science into the 34th Century.”
The laws of Pew were originally created in the Summer/Winter(pick your hemisphere) of 2008 during Gundam 00’s second season airing, due to the chaos that unfolded in Menclave’s status post for episode 10. Stuff was made up and the secrets to the universe were unlocked in the process. This is merely a compiled version.
The Laws of Pew
The set of laws of that govern the events or plausibility of these events in any show or movie involving guns, lasers, mechas, spaceships, explosions, destruction or any sound that can be represented by the word “pew” etc. They are denoted by roman numerals in the lower case starting with “n” as the list continues to grow. It is probably the longest list numbered in roman numerals that you will ever see in your entire life.
Bob: You know what, I think the guys that play the stromtroopers have the hardest job ever.
Rob:Why is that?
Bob:According to law iv of the Laws of Pew, they need to maintain quite high miss ratio while they look like they are trying to hit the enemy, and that takes a lot of acting skills.
Point Blank Sniper
n) Most of the shots miss.
i) There will always be colourful explosions of some sort.
ii) The status quo must always be maintained in some manner.
iii) Beam spamming, Macross Missile Massacre, or More Dakka is not optional it is necessary.
iv) There is a miss ratio of around 9:1.
v) If shots actually hit the target(s) little damage is generally done.
vi) In the case of mass produced units they will be anhilated upon being hit with an object as dangerous as a screwed up ball of paper.
vii) The laws of physics may be defied for sound in space or general awesomeness.
viii) The average effectiveness of a mass-produced unit is genrally equivalent to one tenth of the total number of episodes in the series(i.e. The GN-X lasted five episodes until becoming cannon fodder).
ix) The weight of ammo is never taken into account.
x) Neither is the heat that would result and melt the barrel of the weapon used.
xi) The mass of ammo and how it is loaded into the weapon is irrevelant.
xii) Firing angles, trajectories, and any outer influences have no effect over accuracy.
xiii) Anti-aircraft artillery flak shells can be easily dodged with no damage taken despite the main purpose of the shells being the ensuing shrapnel.
xiv) Despite the quantity of ammo used it will never run out.
xv) The same can be said for mass production units.
xvi) Laws xiv and xv can only be made redundant if used as a plot device.
xvii) The cost of ammo will never be taken into account.
xviii) Rifles and shields are always expendable.
xix) Mechs can always be repaired with scraps if needed.
This can be defined by the formula:
X(being the character in question) + Cave + Scraps = Fukken Awesome
xx) The time and effort taken to repair them is irrelevant.
xxi) Awesomeness will always take priority over practicallity.
xxii) Sound always travels faster than the particle beam(sound emitted by the particle beam is always heard by the target before it even reaches the target).
xxiii) Light of a particle beam does not travel straight(a beam of laser can be obsereved from any angle, so one must assume that some of the photons suddenly turn in random directions).
xxiv) Being in space= zero gravity, even when not in orbit.
xxv) Most things do not need to accelerate, they just suddenly gain a certain amount of velocity and zip away.
xxvi) The force on one’s body caused by a vehicle accelerating is always negligible unless it is a plot device.
xxvii) When in a state of free fall, zero gravity. or in orbit one must appear to be under the influence of gravity by keeping feet pointed toward earth during combat unless the character needs to perform a maneuver of awsomeness.
xxviii) Large objects crashing to the ground do not leave craters or dents unless it is awsome or it is used as plot device.
xxix) Much screaming must be done even if no one is going to hear it. Said screaming will increase the effectiveness of the attack.
xxx) The more a character cries the more powerful his piloting skills will become.
xxxi) There is an effect known as “Oh Shi- its a/the _______” which causes enemy mass produced units to freeze for at least 5 milliseconds allowing either the protagonist or antagonist to either shoot them down or cut them in two(some grunts have been known not to even finish the sentence).
xxxii) There will always be a way to survive atmospheric reentry without any damage unless said character is just a peaon with no real addition to the story line, at which point they will have time to scream a single line as their craft is burnt to a crisp.
xxxiii) In accordance to the law xxxii, there will always be a way to survive atmospheric exit without any damage.
xxxiv) The actual speed at which objects move whilst in orbit and the potential dangers involved with this are irrelevent.
xxxv) Friendly fire does not exist unless in the case of a weapon of mass destruction being used.
xxxvi) Stray shots do not cause damage to anything.
xxxvii) The accuracy of weapons with recoil are not affected by recoil.
xxxviii) Flying through explosions and shrapnel is the best way to approach the enemy.
xxxix) Always attack the enemy one by one in an orderly fashion, no two people can attack the same person at a time.
xl) High speed aircraft do not create sonic booms.
xli) Sonic booms are inaudible when they are ceated.
xlii) All pilots must maintain communications via radio with the enemy unit they are engaged in combat with.
xliii) Any paint job is impervious to enemy attacks or shrapnel.
xliv) Paint can only be removed by epic weathering, crash landing, or destroying the part the it is on.
xlv) Ricochet does not exists.
xlvi) Aerodynamics must be ignored when flying.
xlvii) The use of the warp is allowed when about to be hit with a certain death blow.
xlviii) The effects of any overly destructive weapon can be negated by sacrificing a machine and the pilot’s soul to the god of pewpewpew.
xlix) Large crafts will always over power smaller and more versatile ones despite barely mobile at all.
l) Characters over the age of 20 are more vulnerable to being shot down.
li) The protagonist’s mentor is even more vulnerable.
lii) If there is no villain in place a random side character will say that it is his right to judge humanity and take the role.
liii) As the series continues the power of the protagonist’s craft approaches infinity.
liv) When a side character obtains more character developement than their roles should possess they are in fact making a pact with the god of pewpewpew which gives them an instant increase in piloting skills at the cost of their soul.
lv) Wearing a unique face concealing accessory increases a person’s awsomeness and skills.
lvi) Facial scars make a person 10 times more badass.
lvii) If a person loses their lover at the time of receiving the facial scar, they even more badass.
lviii) Green particle beams have a higher success rate of hitting their target versus red particle beams which have a higher failure rate.
lix) In regard to the particle beam’s success rate, green particle beams also cause more damage than red particle beams, unless someone/something originally wielding a green laser picks up a red particle beam in which case the red particle beam shall have the same effect and success rate as a green laser.
lx) Antagonists wearing unique masks and wielding a red particle beam have a slightly higher success rate and damage rate over others carrying the same type of particle beam but wearing a mask associated with a group.
lxi) Unique colored particle beams(other than red/green) shall have a higher success rate and damage rate regardless or the person/object’s skill.
lxii) A particle beam producing more than one color is synonymous with overkill. Multicolored particle beams = weapon of mass destruction.
lxiii) Despite having the power to destroy everything, overly destructive weapons do not damage themselves or the vessel from which they are fired.
lxiv) Even if the weapon is never stated explicitly to have one, all weapons of mass destruction have a cooldown period to limit their awesomeness
lxv) No two weapons of mass destruction can be used simultaneously.
lxvi) Vessels carrying mass destruction weapon have a limited operation time. Operation time of said Vessel has a life span based on the destructive capabilities of the mass destruction weapon. Greater the power the weapons possesses the shorter the life span of the vessel, and vice versa.
lxvii) Vessels not carrying a mass destruction weapon, but several smaller weapons are practically indestructible and can be repaired an infinite amount of times.
lxviii) The probability of anything being hit again is proportional to the number of times it has already been hit.
lxix) Objects that have lost 1/8th of their mass have a greater chance of survival.
lxx) In reference to laws lxviii and lxxvi, Objects that have been hit several times without destroying 1/8th of their mass stand a greater chance of destruction.
lxxi) Objects/Vessels that have lost 1/2 of their mass or greater will generally explode/implode upon themselves.
lxxii) In reference to lxxi an outside force may also destroy the object with little force.
lxxiii) A weapon’s rate of fire is inversely proportional to its effectiveness
lxxiv) Weapons of mass destruction must be fired in a way to maximize damage to friendly troops
lxxv) In accordance with lxxiv, a weapon of mass destruction can never be fired at the beginning of a battle unless used as a plot device.
lxxvi) A character’s proficiency in using his weapons increases as the number of available weapons he has decreases.
lxxvii) The larger a Vessel/Object is the easier it is to destroy.
lxxviii) There is an Infinite amount of resources such as Metals and Carbons between the Earth and the Moon to develop weapons, vessels, and other objects for sustaining human life on Earth and in Space. even if the whole history of the story has been fighting over resources, both sides will never run out of resources to fight with.
lxxix) The more unique a person’s name is the greater his/her destructive capability.
lxxx) In reference to lxxix, people who use multiple names or have split personalities have greater skills and destructive powers over people with unique names.
lxxxi) If its customised in any way apart from humorous reasons it will kick ass.
lxxxii) Close range combat is only used to extend combat time.
lxxxiii) If there is more than one launch, launch sequence footage must be reused at least once.
lxxxiv) Back up that arrives mid battle is always successful in driving away the enemy.
lxxxv) When a trap is successfully executed, one must explain to the enemy the strategy and tactics involved, so that the trap can be reversed or the same trick cannot work again.
lxxxvi) Launch and fusion sequences are never interfered with by the enemy unless it is a plot device.
lxxxvii) For every character of an elite group that dies, the remnants become stronger.
lxxxviii) For every ally or bystander that dies, the protagonist becomes stronger.
lxxxix) For every secondary protagonist or important supporting character that dies, the main protagonist’s power increases by a tenfold.
xc) The funny guys get to die near the end.
xci) The antagonists are often associated with red.
xcii) The protagonist’s mecha never breaks down despite a one man maintanence crew unless it is to be used as a plot device.
xciii) Said mecha will always be fully repaired by the next episode unless the plot requires a new mecha or wants the pilot to feel useless.
xciv) Despite lasers, missiles, and bullets having a low hit rate. When beam daggers, sabres, and boomerangs are used as ranged weapons they will always hit or be deflected somehow.
xcv) If protagonist’s Beam boomerangs miss, they will return at epic moment to save protagonist from death.
xcvi) Lovers, Best friends, or mentors must always meet at opposite ends of battlefield.
e.g. Lalah Sune vs Amuro, Shiro vs Aina, Kira vs Flay (to a lesser extent), Stella vs Shinn, Kira vs Athrun ,Saji vs Louise, and now Lyle vs Anew.
xcvii) If there is an alternate dimension in place, it must have bright flashing colours, or simply be monochrome(when characters are in this dimension clothes will be optional).
xcviii) If a single message pops up on the screen the machine will breakdown, multiple messages allow power-ups. This law does not apply to machine start up screens or hidden abilities of the machine e.g. trans-am.
xcix) If it glows stuff will be pwned.
c) The protagonist and company are generally associated with bright and flamboyant colours that would actually be a disadvantage in combat.
ci) No matter how many pew pews are shot at the protaganist, they shall never be destroyed.
cii) Any character or group that possesses a giant laser cannon is compensating for something.
e.g. Lack of villainous aura, forces, or camera time.
ciii) The ending must always be somewhat bitter sweet.
civ) Lone ranger pilots tend to have more l33t skillz compared to pilots in a group.
cv) When large vessels, carriers, or motherships are hit, the crew on bridge must fall over, stumble, or grip their chairs or stations due to the impact, regardless of the magnitude. Also, it is a requirement for the boobs of busty females to jiggle or shake from the impact. Visually, the screen must shake. Said large vessel, carrier, or mothership will not deviate from it’s original course unless it is a plot device or to crash into another large vessel/carrier/mothership, or explode and break into pieces.
cvi) Large vessels, carriers, or motherships that are of little or no consequence to the plot which are taking part in battle may be destroyed (usually exploding) by a lone pilot opening fire on the bridge, usually but not always at point blank range with screaming or useless attempts to cover one’s head from the bridge occupants. Alternatively, a small craft, or unit from the opposing side may fly out of control or go kamikaze and smash into the bridge of the large vessel, carrier, or mothership with the same result.
cvii) It is possible for a deceased character to return in the sequel or in later episodes due to popularity with the fans.
cviii) Who needs skills when you have plot armour?
cix) Said plot armour will gradually dissaperate over the course of the final five episodes or within the last few battles of a movie.
cx) When either the antagonist or the protagonist is either enraged or frustrated they are required to take said rage or frustration out on the nearest inaniment object. If they scream their scream will be heard from outside their current location despite soundproof walls.
cxi) A single slap to the face can return a pilot to their senses.
cxii) Towards the end of a series,two(or more) sides fight,thus resulting in either the protagonist’s side or the antagonist’s side to come out victorious.
cxiii) The protagonist’s mecha’s will all be uniquely different and have their own specialty(examples: exia being good at hand-to-hand combat while dynames is good at sniping) but the antagonist’s mecha’s will be relatively the same(depending on rank) as part of mass production.
cxiv) If there is a weapon of mass destruction in the control of the antagonist(s), it must either have a weak point or the antagonist(s) must allow a certain timeframe in which it must be destroyed.
cxv) Upon leaving the seperate dimension the protagonist will be somewhat stronger having found their resolve.
cxvi) Things must always look their darkest before the protagonist makes a winning come back
cxvii) While the protagonist flies away after completing a mission something must always blow up behind them to make it look cool, and to make seem they are ridiculing the antagonist.
cxviii) In accordance with law cxvii if the completion of a mission is done by the protagonist as the Ending theme begins, there will be a close up of said protagonist’s reaction.
cxix) It is possible to fly through or initiate complicated maneuvers in an area covered in obstacles without slamming into any said obstacles.
cxx) If tension is required the weapon that the protagonist is using will be shot out of their hand/mecha’s hand with no damage done to said hand.
cxxi) If there is a spy(or spies) in the protagonist’s or antagonist’s ranks some, all, or none will be discovered depending on whether it is a plot device or not. If the spies are discovered pewpewpews between the spy(or spies) and the character that the spy(or spies) was a mentor to will ensue.
cxxii) Despite the type of weapon being used if it is a long range weapon it will always be used in a rapid state of fire.
cxxiii) The number of PEW sounds per one tenth of a second is limited to one, and will generally be followed by at least two more.
cxxiv) The longer the sound of the PEW the lower the rate of fire.
cxxv) If plot armour is used by a protagonist it will be emphasized by the fans, if plot armour is used by an antagonist it wil generally be ignored.
cxxvi) No matter how far away a mecha(s) is/are. traveling time is always only a few minutes when it should be hours.
cxxvii) When one pulls complicated maneuvers that result on their body being under the influence of a high number of Gs, instead of blacking out they’ll just cough up blood.
cxxviii) Despite other targets being closer, the character will always go against their designated rival if they are on the battlefield, how they get to them is irrelevent.
cxxix) The rate of PEW will raise in accordance with law liii as the series’ timeline progresses.
cxxx) When a character’s role in the plot is low their piloting skills will be suckish.
cxxxi) Pilots must always have a traumatic childhood or past.
cxxxii) In accordance with law cxxxi if they have not had a traumatic childhood or past they either:
a) Have been living a false life with parents or family that are not related to them at all.
b) Will get one over the course of the series.
cxxxiii) If a pilot enters a mecha wounded, they must always take some sort of medication to ease the pain.
cxxxiv) Law cxxxiii is however inversed when the pilot intends to sacrifice themself, or struggle against the opponent.
cxxxv) If a commander says “Its only one unit” their entire squad will be wiped out.
cxxxvi) When unknown mecha is introduced into battle, they must either make their presence known by either:
a) Firing a large and long range weapon of some sort, which will either kill several grunts in the process or barely miss the protagonist’s/antagonist’s mecha.
b) Approaching the battlefield at high speed, usually clashing swords with the protagonist’s/antagonist’s mecha, while appearing to move rapidly on radar before hand. In addition to this, someone will exclaim “it’s fast!”, “a new unit!?” or “it’s powerful!”. Lastly, the commander of the opposing side of the unknown mecha will demand his/her subordinates to identify said mecha but will always be told that it’s an unknown.
cxxxvii) Often powerful shots must be completely absorbed into one point in space before resulting in a big explosion.
cxxxviii) Innocent bystanders do not get hit by accident, they are always targeted and purposely attacked, even if the attacker in question doesn’t know.
cxxxix) Boomerangs are not allowed to be thrown according to the instructions, they only work when they are thrown pointing backwards.
cxl) If the protagonist/antagonist is using some sort of hidden technique(i.e. trans-am) the opposing side will always eventually find out the weakness to it, usually by accident or SCIENCE.
cxli) The methods to utilizing the technique in question, and showing it to the enemy before a major battle and then quickly retreating, usually due to unexpected reinforcements.
cxlii) The initial power of a hidden technique is equivalent to the Deus Ex Machina required.
cxliii) If a minor character uncovers a shocking truth, one that could potentially shatter all faith in that group, about the side he/she is on they will most likely die later in that same episode.
e.g. Colonel Smirnov.
cxliv) The previous law is however reverted when in the last few episodes of the series.
It is also inversed when the pilot intends to sacrifice themself, or struggle against the opponent. In the case of a sacrifice, if the pilot is of some significance to the plot, someone from the pilot’s side of the conflict will mourn him/her and will swear to avenge him/her.
cxlv) Seemingly magical phenomena must be given a name composed of random and incorrectly used words relating to math and physics to make it sound scientific.
e.g. 00’s GN Stealth + Trans-Am afterimage appears to be teleportation and was incorrectly referred to as “quantisation” which is actually completely unrelated.
cxlvi) There are two types of time traveling. The first is to rewind or fast forward reality and is often used to reenact some part of the past as if what had happened originally did not happen, and only a select few get to retain their memory of what happened before time travelling. The second ability is to travel to another place in time as if it was teleportation to a location in a different space (which often is included as part of the time travel). This ability causes the user to cease to exist in the time that he should be in and often results in having multiples of the user in the same universe if the user has traveled to a time in which he exists. These two powers are often considered one and the same. In many cases they are used interchangeably without any indication that they are different. Even if only one of those powers are used in a show, the existence of the other is not denied. Therefore it can be concluded that they are different powers that always come as a pair.
cxlvii) There are more rounds in a magazine than it can carry, where these extra rounds are in the magazine is irrelevant.
cxlviii) Battery and or reserves of energy will only drop when given a closeup.
cxlix) Once a comical and elderly mentor has given guidance to the protagonist, he will then inevitably die.
cl) If there is a second season, almost all mecha’s will have different names no matter how similar it looks to a mecha in the last season.
cli) The length of a rifle may be inversely proportional to the height of the loli weilding it.
clii) If only a mech’s shield is made out of unidentified material which is different from the rest of the machine, then the unidentified material is plot armour.